Sunday, September 14, 2008

Jason The Man's European Vacation

Dear Diary:

Guess who is going to Europe? Give up? This guy (pretend I am pointing at myself with one hand and giving a thumbs-up with the other hand).

Being a man now means that sometimes I have to travel for my job as a maintenance program engineer for a giant aerospace and defense corporation that rhymes exactly with "Boeing". If there was such thing as a PBS miniseries called Jason the Man's Travel Diaries, this episode might be called Jason the Man Goes to Europe! (If you work for PBS and would like to use my travel diaries idea, let's talk! Being a man now means that I will possibly even donate limited use of my likeness for the benefit of public broadcasting.)

In addition to exploring new uncharted Man-itory and keeping an open mind for new Man-'speriences, I am also looking forward to furthering my existing interests in the elegant and refined culture of Europe! Such as: fancy wine, fancy food, fancy café (that means coffee), fancy exotic liquor, fancy tea, and fancy artwork. Europe is going to be great!

Look out, Europe: A Man is coming, and he is hungry for cultural appreciation! Also, his name is Jason and would like it if you helped him with directions to the train station.

I told my palskis about my idea for a PBS travel diaries miniseries that maybe features a mid-to-late twenties young professional, possibly in the aerospace and defense maintenance program engineering industry, who goes to Europe to experience exciting adventure and enjoy the finer points of refined European culture, but they did not think that the format was very appropriate! They thought that instead I should first make a movie called "Jason is a Man Now", and my travel experiences could be documented in the 2nd sequel called "Jason the Man's European Vacation", but the 1st sequel should be called "Look Who's A Man Too" and should have a baby who talks in it!

Being a man now means that I have to accept that my palskis might not be in my target PBS travel diaries miniseries demographic.

This is Jason the Man, signing off.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Jason is a Guest Blogger now!

Dear Diary:

In addition to being a man now I am also a Guest Blogger now! (Look for new "Jason is a Guest Blogger now" blog coming soon. JUST KIDDING! Times remaining that I will use that joke: 9). Please read my guest blog post containing priceless man-advice on Bac-Log!

Being a man now means that others are constantly asking for my man-input and man-participation in all sorts of things! I try to tell people that being a man now is not all fun and games, and that it requires hard work and great restraint to not punch people. But I think people only tend to see what they want to see, which in the case of being a man now is only the outward strength and beauty!

It is amazing to think that at one time I was not a man then! Now I am a man now, and also a guest author on the most important blog in the history of time! It has been quite an exciting journey, and I can't wait for more man-journey!

This is Jason the Man, signing off.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Jason is a trendsetter now!

Dear Diary:

Guess what exciting application I bought for my new iPhone? Give up? Koi Pond!

This delightful "app" makes my iPhone look like a spectacular interactive aquarium! If I touch the water, it makes ripples and the koi swim away!

I am very pleased with my purchase, but it gets even better. Recently I looked in the application store and found out that Koi Pond is now the most popular of all apps! In addition to being a man now, I am also a trendsetter now! (New "Jason is a Trendsetter Now" blog coming soon... JUST KIDDING!)

I told my friends about my new favorite app purchase and they could not believe that I paid for an app of just an aquarium. I tried to explain that the koi swim away and the water ripples when I touch the water, but my stupid friends did not seem to understand why this was important. But then I remembered that being a man now means that I can buy whatever app I want with my new raise money and that my stupid friends are just jealous.

This is Jason the Man, signing off.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Captain Jason the Man

Dear Diary:

Today I was elected to be captain of my volleyball team at a work picnic function! Being a man now means that others look up to you to lead them in all manner of expeditions. I did not want to disappoint, so I put all of the man-effort I could muster into leading my team to victory.

However, being a man now does not mean that I know how to play volleyball now.

After I figured out most of the rules I deployed my troops so that the tall people were in the front by the net. Then I put the little short people behind them so they wouldn't get in the way. Did I mention that it was really hot and sunny out and there were free drinks at this function? No? Well, it was really hot and sunny and there were free drinks at this function. This might have put my troops at ease but it was not conducive to my victory strategies.

Being a man now means that sometimes you have to adapt to ever-changing circumstances! Instead of using all of the trick volleyball plays I developed I had to create new plays that my drunk troops could handle. But they couldn't really even handle the one play that I invented called "The Man" which was to hit the ball over the net. This led to us losing the game! I don't even think my troops processed what had transpired because they were laughing and having a good time even though we lost.

We were supposed to play three volleyball games but after we lost the first two games my troops just wanted to go drink some more. I was abandoned by my crew and left to attempt victory on my own! I guess this is what is meant by a captain always goes down with his ship. But then the other team just wanted to go drink too, so I just played the final game by myself, hitting the ball over the net and then running after it.

Being a man now is about finishing what you start.

After I finished what I started I went to enjoy some finishing-what-I-started beer and some of my troops came up to me and thanked me for leading them to almost-victory! Sometimes being a man now really pays off.

This is Jason the Man, signing off.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Ups and Downs in Man-Town, USA

Dear Diary:

Today I got a raise! Sometimes I feel that people do not fully appreciate all of my tireless man-advice and man-effort and man-friendship, but at least my employer appreciates Jason the Man! (Part of being a man now is to respect the boundaries between work and my personal life, so I will only say that I work for a giant aerospace and defense corporation that rhymes exactly with "Boeing".)

To celebrate my raise I decided to meet up with a couple of my budsters for drinks after work! Budsters and the Man- a recipe for good times!

But uh oh! My "fast" (that is what I call my car) got a "flat" (that is what I call it when the air goes out of a tire). So before I could enjoy all of my new money, I had to take my fast in to get my tire fixed.

Instead of being a simple tire patch job like I had expected, the tire shop guys had to inform me that my sidewall was damaged and that I would need a whole new tire! "Okay," I said, "I guess I will have to rely on your professional opinion since I am only a maintenance program engineer for a giant aerospace and defense corporation that rhymes exactly with 'Boeing', and you are a professional tire-guy. I suppose I will have to purchase this new tire you recommend." Part of being a man now is to respect other people's expertise.

The new tire was $180!!!! Good thing I got that raise!

Before I left one of of the tire guys showed me what caused my expensive tire to flatten. It was the size of a nail but shaped like a tiny railroad spike! The tire guy informed me that he had never seen such a thing and that he was glad to have had the opportunity to experience this tiny railroad spike and take my $180.

Being a man now is all about being part of memorable experiences!

I told my budsters that I had a tiny railroad spike in my tire, and they said, "you mean a nail?" And then I said, "No, it was like a tiny railroad spike", and then they said, "that's what a nail is, dude," and then I wanted to punch them.

This is Jason the Man, signing off.

Friday, July 25, 2008

I talked to 2 girls!

Dear Diary:

Today, I talked to 2 girls! Separately! I was at the Capital Hill Block Party, which was really fun, and there were tons of people, including girl-type people. I don't remember exactly what I said to these aforementioned ladiez, but it included words and perhaps a little sprinkling of Jason is a Man Now Brand Charm™. I think at least one of them said words back! The important thing is that they did not run away, although it was really crowded so maybe they were stuck.

Being a man now is great!

Also, in addition to charming the ladies, I danced a little bit at the musical stylings of Girl Talk, my favorite bio-mechanical-engineer-turned-prolific-mash-up-artist-who-dances-like-a-crazy-person-while-typing-on-a-laptop-on-stage. I also swayed a little bit listening to the Dodo's. It was quite a block party for this guy! (Pretend I am pointing at myself when I am saying that).

After the Dodo's and the swaying and the more big PBRs please, I went outside and got lost (at least this is what my friends tell me.) SCENE MISSING, as they say. But somehow I ended up at a bar with Brian and Ian and Grant and some more beers, so all was okay in the end.

I wish it was Capital Hill Block Party EVERY DAY!

This is Jason the Man, signing off.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Guess who's getting older?

Dear Diary:

Yesterday was my birthday! Actually, my birthday was Tuesday, but yesterday was when I went out and had my birthday celebration! Whooaaa boy, did I drink a lot! All of my home-skillets were there, and we played some mini-golf in the afternoon and then went out to the bars for the evening!

Damn it feels good to be a Manster.

But guess what, diary? Guess who showed up drunk late at my birthday celebration? Give up? MY PARENTS!

Since I am a man now, I am naturally used to interacting with my parents in various states and configurations of intoxication, so I was not alarmed by these circumstances. And since my friends seem to like them, probably because my dad is always drunk and my mom always makes them delicious food, this seemed like a recipe for fun-filled family and friend festivities! (Guess who just looked up "alliteration"? I'll give you a hint: He's a man now. And his name rhymes with "Kason". And he is the author of this blog. And his name is Jason. Is that enough hints?)

But UH OH, Tragedy! My dad was already drunk, and since he didn't know what was going on, he reverted to "fall-back" mode, which is just making fun of me in front of all of my friends and any girls that were maybe around! Pretty soon this caught on and everybody else started making fun of me too! Then my mom took this opportunity of spousal distraction to go and hit on the bouncer guy with all of the tattoos and the big biceps! MOM! I don't want any much younger siblings with big biceps and tattoos, okay! If I did I would have put it on my birthday list that I sent you and you evidently didn't even look at because I did not get the fancy new fencing foil OR the bamboo tea serving tray OR the vintage airplane calendar that I asked for.

Sometimes being a man now is exasperating! But then I remember that being a man now means I have to learn to accept and handle new and embarrassing situations. And beer helps.

This is Jason the Man, signing off.

Friday, July 11, 2008

How would a man handle this?

Dear Diary:

Today my fencing instructor asked me how many shirts I brought to the big fencing tournament. "Two," I said. "Oh no, no no no, that is not enough shirts!" He replied. "You should have a shirt for each match. You don't want to go into a match all sweaty from the last match, because it is distracting." Actually, that might not have been the reason he gave, because at that point I was too embarrassed for not bringing enough shirts that I wasn't really listening.

I guess these big fencing tournaments are a lot different than the casual matches I am used to at the fencing temple! For a second I felt like a wide-eyed country boy wandering into the big city. But then I remembered that I am a man now.

With great power comes great responsibility. Mansponsibility. (I just made that up- if you would like to use it please appropriately attribute it to "Jason the Man". Thank you.)

Okay, so remember two paragraphs ago when I mentioned the "fencing temple"? That is NOT the actual name of the institution from which I learn and practice the ancient and elegant art of fencing! That is a name that my stupid friends made up because they do not understand the subtle beauty and refinement of my hobby. Do I make fun of their hobbies? No. No I do not. I might not understand all of the ins and outs and what-have-yous of their stupid hobbies, but a big part of being a man now is to learn to accept and appreciate differences in others, especially those less elegant and refined than me.

Sometimes, though, I get SO MAD that they call it the fencing temple and then laugh at me! I thought, "how would a man handle this situation?"

I think the next time they call it the fencing temple I am going to punch them. With my man fists.

This is Jason the Man, signing off.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I am a man now!

Dear Diary:

I am a man now! I went over to my friend Grant's house to watch Strange Brew with him and Tricia and Laura. They made me drink a 16oz can of Busch, which they promised would make me a man. To think that I was only missing that this whole time!

Well, anyway, I am a man now! Hello, world. I am Jason, Jason the Man. Pleased to be meeting you. How about a drink sometime? Okay.

This is Jason the Man, signing off.